A Big Change

I’m about to spill my guts to y’all. I’m not scared; I’m doing this in the hope that I find relief for myself, and am able to show people that they aren’t alone. Because I know that I am not the only person in the world who feels like this.

I am really unhappy with how things are going in my life right now. I don’t want to get out of bed in the morning. You need a spark to be lighting a fire inside of you in order to get you up and at ’em in this cold, Midwestern winter weather. I don’t have that right now.

I’ve been told throughout my life that there are always going to be things that you don’t want to do, but will have to do. I’ve been told that you bite your tongue, shut up, and deal with them. But what happens when every single thing that you have to do feels like a dreaded, meaningless chore?

I’m in that place right now; I don’t feel like I have anything daily to look forward to. To many people this may sound ungrateful, and that is most definitely not the place in my heart that this is coming from. I am so thankful for the opportunity to be able to pursue a higher education. I am so thankful that I want to not just go through the everyday motions that make up my life right now, but I want to live my life to its fullest beauty. I want every day to be an eventful one. While sometimes life just doesn’t work like that, and we all have bad days, right now mine are all mushing together in my memory with nothing exciting or beautiful to make them notable.

I’ve adopted a new philosophy: you have to approach life in a relentless manner, approaching your dreams with every little bit of your heart and mind and being. You’ll hate your life if you don’t.

You have to fight to create the life that you daydream about having. You have to push towards a lifestyle that allows you to pursue the things that you love while being unapologetically yourself. What is the point of life if you don’t want to be uncontrollably happy and passionate?

I’m changing my major.

Most people didn’t see that one coming.

I haven’t told many people because, frankly, I don’t want many people’s opinions. I know what I want to do and I don’t want people just spewing negativity towards me because my ambitions are unconventional.

I’m switching majors, not because my interests and end goal have changed, but because I realized that I’m approaching it all wrong. I will write another post solely dedicated to my major change. This post is just a reminder to keep your dreams big, and run after them with each bit of might that you have in you.

In my dream life, I see myself running a social media empire, having a blog/website and YouTube channel with a team helping me put content out on a daily basis spreading the message of Indira’s Inner Beauty. I see myself writing books. I see myself being creative and artistic. I dream of being physically and mentally healthy, and helping others out along the way. I dream of this life, and I have been doing absolutely nothing lately to work towards achieving it.

My YouTube and blog and social media and writing have all been a non-existent part of my life in terms of practice recently. My mind is constantly on these things, endlessly churning out ideas. But I keep on telling myself that I have to get perfect grades in school, and that is what my life has been revolving around. All I do is schoolwork and recuperate from schoolwork. There is no time to breathe in the fresh air of inspiration that I need. This life, full of things that I feel nothing for, is exhausting. It is a life that I no longer want to live. Because, in the end, my efforts mean little to nothing, and I put myself in a bad mental place in order to achieve what I believe that I should be achieving.

It’s time to put this to an end and listen to my heart, for once. I found a quote on tumblr that I would like to conclude with.

“I am too full of life to be half loved. I am too full of life to half love. I am too full of life to half live.”

It’s time to live a full life, because I am a full person with a full dream and enough misery is enough.

Xoxo,

Indira

 


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